Unexpected Changes

The past few weeks have been pretty tough. I went in for my 8 week pregnancy check, excited to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. The doctor came in and asked his usual questions and I got undressed and ready for the ultrasound. As soon as I looked at the screen I knew that something wasn't right. From previous experience with three other children, I knew that what was on the screen was not going to be good news. There was no heartbeat, no little pulse visible at all, just an empty egg. The baby had stopped developing somewhere between 4 and 5 weeks, the doctor said it looked to him like a miscarriage. I was mostly in shock...Will asked all the questions for me, it was like he knew exactly what to ask for me because I couldn't really speak. I asked to pass the baby naturally rather than go through a D&C or take some pill. I didn't want to believe it, I had some hope that maybe I just wasn't as far along as I thought. I read about people who thought they miscarried only to find out a few weeks later that everything was just fine. About a week later I started to bleed and yesterday was by far the worst part. I was having contraction like cramps all day and bleeding pretty badly. I felt week, lightheaded and every time I went to the bathroom I passed large clots. I know that there is some kind of reason that we are going through this, because it's an experience that we are all dealing with in different ways. Will has been the one to tell everyone, cards and flowers keep coming and while I really appreciate the thought, it's really just a reminder that we lost a baby. Simon told his teacher that he would like to add me to the prayer intentions at school, which was really sweet of him. I feel sort of empty, almost like I've failed at something. I always joked with people that the only thing that I was really truly good at was making cute kids, now I'm not so good at that. I know that it's not my fault, God has some kind of plan, maybe to bring us closer as a family. Will and I were fighting more and always angry, since our loss we've been really closer, talking again and trying to make more time for each other. It has really made me realize how very lucky that I am. Lucky and blessed with three healthy beautiful children, despite their daily complications. Lucky that I lost a baby early and not at 40 weeks. I'm trying to prepare myself for the next baby, just keep rolling with the punches. We wanted to conceive in April or May originally so now that just might happen, if we're lucky.