Keeping Calm... somewhat.

Soooo, this past month has been perhaps one of the most torturing of my life. It's just been stress, stress, stress. My aunt and grandma just left yesterday after being in my home for nearly three weeks. It wasn't so bad having them here to visit, but it was really difficult getting them to follow my rules with the kids. Sure they thought they were being harmless and fun but in the end it was torture. Simon, who is already a very defiant child towards me has now reached a point that I didn't think was possible. Today he had a 2 hour tantrum which ended with him calling me some very ugly names and trying to break his bedroom window. I just can't seem to figure out what makes him dislike me so much. I know that it's nothing really that is my fault, he's just a very defiant child with some mental disabilities that he has no control over. Recently his Dr. suggested that he be assessed for Asbergers Syndrome. While it was a relief to put some kind of label to his trouble, it was not really comforting news. We've been dealing with the ADHD pretty well, but the ODD is unbearable, nothing that I do seems to be right. Days like today I just want to crawl away and hide for awhile. His behavior makes it really hard for me to be patient with my other two children. I just don't have any energy. I'm emotionally drained and I've been questioning my own mental health lately. I really want to have another baby, I just feel like I'm meant to have more, but how can I manage another child with all that I have now? I know that God has the answers, it's probably very clear to me and I'm just not recognizing it. I just really want my loving, happy little boy back and I don't know how to make that happen. So now that my family has moved into their house and out of mine, I'm behind on my bookwork for the ballroom, my house is a disaster, and I have so much to do. I know that I'm a good mom, but days like today I really feel like a failure as a parent. Pray for me.

Thinking

Recently my mother in law suggested to me that I should write to the Poor Clare's and it got me thinking about some things in my life. I recognize that I need to devote more time to prayer on a daily basis and the initial thought that pops in my mind is "where do I find the time for that?" Then of course I feel ashamed of myself because if I can find the time to do so many other things in my life I should most definitely find the time to pray. I actually really want to devote more time to prayer and meditation, it's actually something that is on my list. So, I sat down today and wrote my letter to the Poor Clare's. It felt awkward writing to someone that I don't know but I just let my pen do the talking. I searched in my heart for what was really bothering me lately, I asked that they pray for me and my family and I'm hoping that they can offer some inspiration for my daily life. They devote each and EVERY day to prayer, who better to ask for some inspiration for a more prayerful life? Meanwhile I feel a cold coming, possibly caused from an increased amount of stress these past few days. My Grandmother and Aunt are visiting from CA and will be with us until their house is finished, possibly 2-3 weeks. See, they are not only visiting but going to be living down the road from me for the coming months until Fall. I'm full of anxiety because I have not been around my family for close to 7 years. I love them but they seriously stress me out and I don't fully understand why. Maybe I feel like I'm not living up to their expectations or something, maybe I just like having my freedom and I feel that they can be suffocating. I know that my Grandmother understands because she is a very independent person and I can see that living with my Aunt is taking its toll on her as well. She moved away from her family at the age of 17. Left her home in Montana to live with her older sisters in Hollywood California. She had no idea what was in store for her but she made it work because she knew that she didn't want to live in Montana. Maybe we are a lot more alike than I thought. I left California to get married to a man that I met in the military, I didn't know what I would do when I got here but I knew that I didn't want to live in CA anymore so I made it work. Here I am today, living in MN, a business owner. Who knew? I prayed a lot back in the beginning when I joined the military because I didn't know what to do with my life. I prayed every night, went to church and cried every Sunday because all I had were my prayers. Praying that my children were being cared for, praying that God would lead me down the right path. I'm beginning to see that maybe I need to pray everyday just as I did then, I need to put all of my faith in God and let my anxieties go because He has a plan.