Keeping Calm... somewhat.

Soooo, this past month has been perhaps one of the most torturing of my life. It's just been stress, stress, stress. My aunt and grandma just left yesterday after being in my home for nearly three weeks. It wasn't so bad having them here to visit, but it was really difficult getting them to follow my rules with the kids. Sure they thought they were being harmless and fun but in the end it was torture. Simon, who is already a very defiant child towards me has now reached a point that I didn't think was possible. Today he had a 2 hour tantrum which ended with him calling me some very ugly names and trying to break his bedroom window. I just can't seem to figure out what makes him dislike me so much. I know that it's nothing really that is my fault, he's just a very defiant child with some mental disabilities that he has no control over. Recently his Dr. suggested that he be assessed for Asbergers Syndrome. While it was a relief to put some kind of label to his trouble, it was not really comforting news. We've been dealing with the ADHD pretty well, but the ODD is unbearable, nothing that I do seems to be right. Days like today I just want to crawl away and hide for awhile. His behavior makes it really hard for me to be patient with my other two children. I just don't have any energy. I'm emotionally drained and I've been questioning my own mental health lately. I really want to have another baby, I just feel like I'm meant to have more, but how can I manage another child with all that I have now? I know that God has the answers, it's probably very clear to me and I'm just not recognizing it. I just really want my loving, happy little boy back and I don't know how to make that happen. So now that my family has moved into their house and out of mine, I'm behind on my bookwork for the ballroom, my house is a disaster, and I have so much to do. I know that I'm a good mom, but days like today I really feel like a failure as a parent. Pray for me.

Thinking

Recently my mother in law suggested to me that I should write to the Poor Clare's and it got me thinking about some things in my life. I recognize that I need to devote more time to prayer on a daily basis and the initial thought that pops in my mind is "where do I find the time for that?" Then of course I feel ashamed of myself because if I can find the time to do so many other things in my life I should most definitely find the time to pray. I actually really want to devote more time to prayer and meditation, it's actually something that is on my list. So, I sat down today and wrote my letter to the Poor Clare's. It felt awkward writing to someone that I don't know but I just let my pen do the talking. I searched in my heart for what was really bothering me lately, I asked that they pray for me and my family and I'm hoping that they can offer some inspiration for my daily life. They devote each and EVERY day to prayer, who better to ask for some inspiration for a more prayerful life? Meanwhile I feel a cold coming, possibly caused from an increased amount of stress these past few days. My Grandmother and Aunt are visiting from CA and will be with us until their house is finished, possibly 2-3 weeks. See, they are not only visiting but going to be living down the road from me for the coming months until Fall. I'm full of anxiety because I have not been around my family for close to 7 years. I love them but they seriously stress me out and I don't fully understand why. Maybe I feel like I'm not living up to their expectations or something, maybe I just like having my freedom and I feel that they can be suffocating. I know that my Grandmother understands because she is a very independent person and I can see that living with my Aunt is taking its toll on her as well. She moved away from her family at the age of 17. Left her home in Montana to live with her older sisters in Hollywood California. She had no idea what was in store for her but she made it work because she knew that she didn't want to live in Montana. Maybe we are a lot more alike than I thought. I left California to get married to a man that I met in the military, I didn't know what I would do when I got here but I knew that I didn't want to live in CA anymore so I made it work. Here I am today, living in MN, a business owner. Who knew? I prayed a lot back in the beginning when I joined the military because I didn't know what to do with my life. I prayed every night, went to church and cried every Sunday because all I had were my prayers. Praying that my children were being cared for, praying that God would lead me down the right path. I'm beginning to see that maybe I need to pray everyday just as I did then, I need to put all of my faith in God and let my anxieties go because He has a plan.

Finally Finished...for now!

Well, the den/dining room project is finally come to an end. Well, there is always going to be room for improvement but at least the construction part is done! I just hung up some fabric panels, which I love but I need to dig out the sewing machine and hem them. We'll need to save a while for some furniture, currently we brought in a few of the pieces from the patio. It's a nice place to relax. We had a friend over the other night and just sat by the fire having a few drinks. The house is finally starting to feel like us! I purchased a sample of paint for the living room...hated it. I just did not like it at all, Will said that I needed to go for something more dramatic so I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I loved the guest bedroom that Young House Love did, it's a dark teal color by Martha Stewart called Plumage. It was a huge leap for me, way out of my comfort zone but I loved the color. I went to Ace and had them match the sample chip that I had and 3 gallons later I have a truly dramatic but cozy feeling room. It did take a few days for my heart to stop racing but I really do love the end result. Now I just need to talk Will into that sectional! Don't you just love that brass chandelier that's in an awkward space. The previous owners used this room as an office/formal living room and where my desk currently sits they had a huge oak dining table. Now that the piano is gone (yes they finally came and picked it up!) I have a huge living room. I moved the couch to the middle of the room and it really separates the space. The living room feels a lot more cozy and less like a wide open space. It's really amazing what furniture placement can do to change the space. I currently have this empty corner, which we've agreed to leave empty for a while because we love that the piano is gone. What are my plans for the space in the future? Maybe a prayer corner, or a library/reading corner. Maybe I'll hang my guitar on the wall and create a practice corner. The possibilities are endless, but for now we are keeping it empty because we are so thankful for the space. So now we have two rooms in our house that are works in progress but feel more like "us". What's my next project you ask? With wedding season approaching very fast and my Aunt and Grandma will be arriving in a few weeks, the only projects that I'm planning are cleaning, purging and organizing. Maybe I'll finish painting my linen closet.

Finishing Up

The carpenters are coming today to put up the remaining molding and the mantle back up in the dining room/den. I'm finally finished painting the fireplace. Actually the day I found out that I lost the baby was the day I got a good portion of it done... I cried the entire time as I painted. Yikes, that was a project but well worth celebrating because the result looks amazing!!! I have a few touches that I want to add to the room so pictures will be up soon! So in my usual style as the finishing coat of paint was drying last night I was looking for colors for our boring living room. We've decided against creating a playroom downstairs for the kids and opted to save our money and make it into a Master Suite, complete with walk in closets and a private bath! The kids never really play downstairs anyway and we really could you a little retreat of our own. The only downside to this project will be the expense because we'll need to cut in egress windows and do some major plumbing. A plumber is actually stopping by today to do some work at the Ballroom so Will is going to ask him to stop at the house and give us a quick idea of what the damage will be. Meanwhile I'm trying to create a family friendly living space in our living room. I think I have finally come to a conclusion for a paint color. While at Home Depot a few weeks ago I picked up a Martha Stewart Paint Palette that is chocked full of some great colors. I chose a pale teal color called Artesian Well. It's a stretch for me because while I love color I tend to stick with safe neutral colors. I'm excited to see the result up on the walls. I want to use golds as accent colors in the dining room so I'll try to bring some of those into the room as well. I love the Karlstad couch that was recently added to the Young House Love living room, trying to talk Will into it is a challenge. He said he wants to sit in it and feel it before he is locked in. Usually he trusts my judgement on these things but he thinks that we need to spend a lot of money on a couch in order for it to be a good quality piece. Not too much of an IKEA fan, sorry. I just love the slate gray color, we want to have a sectional and it's under $1,000 which is a steal. Below are some pictures of the current space, it's pretty sad. Hopefully I can make it a more cheerful and kid friendly space!

Unexpected Changes

The past few weeks have been pretty tough. I went in for my 8 week pregnancy check, excited to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. The doctor came in and asked his usual questions and I got undressed and ready for the ultrasound. As soon as I looked at the screen I knew that something wasn't right. From previous experience with three other children, I knew that what was on the screen was not going to be good news. There was no heartbeat, no little pulse visible at all, just an empty egg. The baby had stopped developing somewhere between 4 and 5 weeks, the doctor said it looked to him like a miscarriage. I was mostly in shock...Will asked all the questions for me, it was like he knew exactly what to ask for me because I couldn't really speak. I asked to pass the baby naturally rather than go through a D&C or take some pill. I didn't want to believe it, I had some hope that maybe I just wasn't as far along as I thought. I read about people who thought they miscarried only to find out a few weeks later that everything was just fine. About a week later I started to bleed and yesterday was by far the worst part. I was having contraction like cramps all day and bleeding pretty badly. I felt week, lightheaded and every time I went to the bathroom I passed large clots. I know that there is some kind of reason that we are going through this, because it's an experience that we are all dealing with in different ways. Will has been the one to tell everyone, cards and flowers keep coming and while I really appreciate the thought, it's really just a reminder that we lost a baby. Simon told his teacher that he would like to add me to the prayer intentions at school, which was really sweet of him. I feel sort of empty, almost like I've failed at something. I always joked with people that the only thing that I was really truly good at was making cute kids, now I'm not so good at that. I know that it's not my fault, God has some kind of plan, maybe to bring us closer as a family. Will and I were fighting more and always angry, since our loss we've been really closer, talking again and trying to make more time for each other. It has really made me realize how very lucky that I am. Lucky and blessed with three healthy beautiful children, despite their daily complications. Lucky that I lost a baby early and not at 40 weeks. I'm trying to prepare myself for the next baby, just keep rolling with the punches. We wanted to conceive in April or May originally so now that just might happen, if we're lucky.

Teal

As we near the end of the Dining/Den project I can't help but begin to plan my next. I'm really thinking about doing a bold color in my living room and I'm inspired by Project Teal. I've also been following another blog called Young House Love and they recently painted their guest room a really beautiful peacock color. I've found a couple of different living rooms that are done in teal and I really like what I've found.

I don't have anything in my house that is currently teal except for maybe a pot that my houseplant lives in. It's a really unique and versatile color and I think that if I can be brave enough to paint my fireplace (that post will be coming shortly), then I should definitely be brave enough to paint my living room teal. I want to have a flow from one room to the next so I think that I'll do teal walls with gray and gold/yellow accents.

We have this painting that was my father-in-laws, it's really the focal point in the dining room so I would like to pull colors from it. At first I thought it was hideous and I really didn't want to hang it up, but since my husband doesn't get to make to many decisions in the decorating process I gave in to his request to hang it up. It's really starting to grow on me, but I was having a difficult time with colors. Should I try to match colors, should I try to use opposite colors? I went for a taupe/gray color for the dining room and den which I think will really compliment the painting. Now I'm just having a difficult time with accessories. Should the window treatments be green, should I try gold or maybe just keep it more neutral? I know that it will all come together...eventually!

Happiness Project Revisited

As I lay in bed last night reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin I came to some self realizations. First, she talked about finding what you really love to do. Rubin said to look back to what you enjoyed doing as a child and to revisit those activities as an adult. Thinking back to my childhood, one that lacked excitement on most days, I remember doing A LOT of reading. I loved books, loved having them around me, loved looking through different subjects at the library, often times reading 2 or 3 different chapter books at the same time. I loved becoming involved in stories. I still really love to read, I just don't find enough time to do it. I still have the same feeling when I'm around books, the excitement of learning new characters, learning how to improve myself or help my children grow into well rounded people. So, this evening I went to the library and dug into some books. While I'm still reading The Happiness Project, I checked out three other titles to include Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh; How to Attract Money by Robert Griswold; and When Did I Get Like This? by Amy Wilson. I really love fantasy books as well, Harry Potter is my absolute favorite but I also enjoy Yann Martell's work. I read The Life of Pi a few summers ago and it was really great, I can't wait to read his latest Beatrice and Virgil.

My second realization is that I LOVE music and I haven't really been involved in music since I graduated High School over 10 years ago now. I played flute in every band that my school had to offer. I loved to be apart of a bigger group, to know that my music blended with all of the others in such a beautiful but unique way. I have the interest in music still, I'm just a little rusty. I was watching a television program yesterday and a woman was playing the cello, an instrument I have always found to be hauntingly beautiful. I got really emotional from the music she was playing (probably just the pregnancy hormones talking) but it struck me that I had always wanted to learn to play the cello. My daughter is in violin lessons currently and each week that I take her to the music center I feel something tugging at me, like God is nudging me and saying "come on, you know you want to".

Another point that really struck me to the core as I read last night was that I don't spend enough time playing with my kids anymore. When Simon was a baby and a toddler I played and read and played every chance that I had. I put so much effort into everything that I did for them. I fear now that I'm losing those moments with them each and every day because I'm "too tired". I'm afraid that I will wake up one morning and Simon will be 18 and Avery will be too cool for mom time. I really need to put more effort into my children, I do feel like I do a lot for them but running them to lessons and cooking and cleaning aren't what they will remember. They will remember the fun experiences that they had, I hope.

As I read last night, it dawned on me that Gretchen Rubin had a blog and that I hadn't even looked at it. So, this evening the first thing I did when I sat at the computer was to search for the Happiness Project. I was so excited to find it and I found out that there is an actually guided Happiness Project for 2011. I wish I had thought of it sooner, I could have been following it from the beginning but I don't think that it's too late to jump on the wagon! I'm also really excited that she has the Secrets of Adulthood posted on there, which I think is just great!